I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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