You're my little dorito
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
