He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
