guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
