omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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