That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
