nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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