May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
