time to smoke my breakfast
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
its liver damage thursday
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
