Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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