She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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