I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
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