I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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