My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
