i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
