i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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