...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
