so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
