Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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