God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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