so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
