when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
