Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i will never coherently bang her
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
