it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
