im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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