my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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