i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He passed out mid-signature
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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