pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Randomize
