i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
