And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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