new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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