Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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