Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
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