So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
