just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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