Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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