He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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