why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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