answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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