I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
