ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
