I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
