Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
