and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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