foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
