DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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