Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
