I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
