The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
sex in a hospital.. check
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
and you fell through a lawn chair
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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