Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
