just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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